As I was mopping the floor a few weeks ago, I noticed so much that needed to be cleaned. I saw the dirty baseboards, the blinds that were so dusty you could write your name on them, candle wax that was still on the table and floor where it was spilled the previous week. I said out loud, “I wished for just one season I could have it all together!”

This past weekend my husband and I took a trip to the mountains with a few of our friends. Our friends’ little girl, who is seven years old, had no clue where she was going. All she knew was that they were going away on a trip for the weekend. She had not brought a lot of toys to play with, just a few stuffed animals. So, you can imagine her surprise when she ran up the stairs to the room where she would be staying only to find that the closet had toys that the owner of the cabin had left! There she found a small cash register, which she enjoyed all weekend.

Have you ever struggled with something over and over again until it just felt like you’d never be free from it? Yeah, me too. I found myself in that all so familiar place again in the wee hours of the morning. I woke up, and for the life of me could not go back to sleep. I couldn’t go back to sleep because my mind was racing with thoughts that brought me riddling with fear.

Have you ever prayed for something or someone so long that you think, “My prayers will never be answered?” I imagine that’s how Abraham’s wife, Sarah, felt. God promised Abraham in Genesis 15 that He would bless him with children, but when Sarah still could not conceive, she took matters into her own hands and gave Hagar to Abraham. So, as a result of Sarah’s mistake, we ended up with Ishmael. Although later she believed when she hears God tell Abraham that she will conceive in her old age.

I have a best friend that I have had since middle school. Although we may not speak to each other every day the bond is undeniable. For instance, one day I had this overwhelming heavy heart feeling that made me bust into tears. I didn’t know why I was crying but my friend kept coming to mind. Later, I called and she stated that her dad had been rushed to the hospital with a heart attack. I went to be by her side. He was in and out of consciousness and upon waking he would try to remove the port in his neck. So we took shifts to stay and watch him carefully.

Trust. That one little word has had me reeling for the past few months. Knowing what God wants me to do and doing it without worrying or without any anxiety can be very tiring in and of itself. I’ve worried that I may have heard Him wrong (or maybe that was a little wishful thinking); I’ve worried about the finances that it’s going to take away from our family for me to obedient to Him, and I’ve worried about how others will perceive me. Not to mention, if I’m even capable of doing what He’s asking in the first place. All of these things have been, to be honest, very exhausting!

s week we have been preparing to travel to Todd, NC, to support our youngest son compete in his 4th marathon. In doing so, it reminded me of several years ago when God taught me a lesson of His love that I will never forget.

So, last week was rough. How was yours? I find it strange how one minute you feel secure and the next, it’s as if your feet have been knocked out from in under you. At least that’s how I felt. In the midst of the hard, though, came God’s assurance as I read from Isaiah 41. Verse 10 kept echoing in my mind: “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

This week I have been studying John chapter 20. Every time I read this chapter, the same emotions overtake me.
It’s a chapter that I’ve never been able to get over and honestly hope I never do.
I love the part starting at verse 10, where the disciples go back to their homes, but Mary, well, she tarries longer at the tomb.
We have to realize that with everything she had experienced in the days leading up to this point, how distraught she must have been and now to find her Savior, her Best Friend, her Master gone, how her heart must have been even more shattered. The pain must have been almost unbearable as she stood outside the tomb that day.

Years ago, I found myself struggling with guilt and shame. I had listened to Satan far too long, telling me that I was too damaged. He said to me that God wouldn’t love me and that He would never use me again for His Kingdom. He also told me that the relationship that I once had with God would never be the same, and the best I could hope for was to be allowed to sit on the back pew of the church. I had prayed over and over for forgiveness and even prayed that God would remove the shame that seemed to haunt me. After praying, I always opened my eyes to the same old feelings. I felt trapped in a bottomless pit with no way of escape. I told no one about the deep wounds of my soul that I tried my best to bandage on my own. I did everything I could think of to stop the hemorrhaging. I read my Bible daily, and it seemed like I prayed always. I even started to believe the lie that God didn’t hear my prayers or that He was hearing them but wouldn’t answer them because He didn’t love me anymore. I also started believing that I had fallen too far from grace to ever have a one on one relationship with Him again.