Years ago, I found myself struggling with guilt and shame. I had listened to Satan far too long, telling me that I was too damaged. He said to me that God wouldn’t love me and that He would never use me again for His Kingdom. He also told me that the relationship that I once had with God would never be the same, and the best I could hope for was to be allowed to sit on the back pew of the church. I had prayed over and over for forgiveness and even prayed that God would remove the shame that seemed to haunt me. After praying, I always opened my eyes to the same old feelings. I felt trapped in a bottomless pit with no way of escape. I told no one about the deep wounds of my soul that I tried my best to bandage on my own. I did everything I could think of to stop the hemorrhaging. I read my Bible daily, and it seemed like I prayed always. I even started to believe the lie that God didn’t hear my prayers or that He was hearing them but wouldn’t answer them because He didn’t love me anymore. I also started believing that I had fallen too far from grace to ever have a one on one relationship with Him again.

This morning as I read Genesis 15, a verse stood out to me. Verse 6 says, “And he (Abram) believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness.” The phrase that caught my attention the most was, “And he believed the LORD.”

Have you ever struggled with knowing what God wants you to do yet feeling so inadequate for the job? That would be me this morning. But, I know that if He’s called me, He will also equip me. Yet, in my mind, I still struggle. Why is that?

The other day I found myself looking through journals and ran across an entry dated December of 2013. “Normally, I’m excited about a new year approaching, but this year is different. I’m not looking forward to the New Year that is approaching. I have a sense of fear and dread. I know that fear is not of God, yet it creeps in unknowingly at times. My heart is heavy, and if I had my way, I would stay in this year and not enter through the doors of next year.”

I remember when a friend pointed this verse out to me. It was a time that I had gotten slack in keeping up with my journaling habits. I had thought that maybe keeping a journal wasn’t all that important. I was so wrong, and I’ll explain why later in this post.

Saturday mornings to me always symbolize a start to a slower day. As I move slowly and make a cup of coffee, I head to my favorite spot to spend my alone time with God, and I already feel His presence. I can tell He is just as excited to meet with me, as I am to meet with Him.